she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
