Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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