I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
be right there i have to get my cape
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
