i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
