I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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