i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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