I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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