nut hugger
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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