i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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