wrigley field is MILF paradise
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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