Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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