I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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