Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
wanna go halves on a baby?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
