he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
