haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
