What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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