Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
