fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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