I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
