i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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