This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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