Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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