Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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