last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
