my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
