she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
