I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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