are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
