If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
