you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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