all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
