I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
