Farmville is her only friend.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
