i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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