i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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