Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
