There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
