wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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