i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
