Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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