well I can't set my house on fire every night
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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