We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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