How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
