i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
