even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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