if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I think people are normalizing furries
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
