Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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