Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
