I have demons in me.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
