69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
